Monthly Archives: August 2011

Stick a Fork in My Emotional Marshmallow!

Seriously. I have no idea when I’ll regain sanity… maybe never. I’m pretty convinced after this week that I must be the only person on earth who is truly stuck in a loveless, seemingly pointless marriage. I thought things had gotten better…. hence the reason I haven’t exactly been loyal to my bipolar marriage web blog.

Well. As usual, we are slowly creeping back to normal again… fights about nothing that turn into something that turn into something bigger that leave me calculating just how much money I should be saving every paycheck… and if the $5 a week that I could afford to save means that I may as well just suck it up anyway b/c I’ll be at least 50 by the time I actually can afford to truly, truly regain sanity and find my TRUE soulmate that I’m convinced is somewhere out there secretly writing love songs (for me only) and distributing them among my favorite artists and having radio stations/Pandora play them only when I am already an emotional marshmallow!!!

I digress. Or should I? I really wish that I could ask people on facebook who write sentimental messages to their significant others what it’s “really” like for them when they aren’t broadcasting their bliss? It can’t possibly be that the past lovers – or almost so – in my life are not actually pining away for me just like I do for them when I’m convinced my husband is the world’s largest and most clueless ass on the planet.

My bubble burst a bit today as I read the post of an almost lover that talked about the years he has spent with his wife as “the best of his life.” Is it wrong that I’m not happy for him? Haha, of COURSE I’m happy for him. And, I’m sure, that every once in a good while, he does think of me when he hears that one Adele song… and he remembers what it felt like to ALMOST embrace me and to ALMOST make mad passionate love to me…

Right? Sigh…. See what I mean? Not sure when I’ll regain sanity. I asked my neighbor last night if this is actually how marriage “is.” She gave the best answer anyone’s ever given me on the topic… that, of course, it is. And that sometimes she stops and looks around and asks herself, “Am I on planet Earth?” Made me laugh… and if she hadn’t been there it probably would’ve made me cry too!

She also said something (well many things, I love my wise neighbor!) that I think may be the key to at least regaining a LITTLE sanity to make it to the next Anniversary anyway (which is less than 2 weeks away). Wisdom passed on to her is this re: what a man really needs:

We, as women, need an entire afternoon of affection and attention to feel loved and affectionate in return. Men only need about 3 minutes… generally right after they’ve “agreed” to “hold” you – which almost always means that you are “agreeing” to “hold” (their penis) back. So, perhaps if I can try (and it will take effort) to sacrifice these 3 minutes…a… little more often… I’ll be a happier wife?

Funny/sad/horrifying thing is that it makes me LOL to think that I’d ever get a whole afternoon in return without having to beg for it. Blah. I’m sick of being sick of it!


Greener Grass

Today, yesterday, tomorrow.  RENT.  “No DAY but today.”  I try to live my marriage life with this sentiment.  I love my husband on many levels.  I am committed to him, that’s for sure.  But I wonder, several times a day, if there is such a thing as a soul mate.  I used to believe there was.  It was easy, once upon a time, for me to believe that there was reason in every little event in my life. One catastrophe led to another epiphany and so on… and in many ways I do live my life like that.   But in the truth, which is burrowed ever so quietly inside of my busy mind – the epiphany I sometimes feel I don’t have the strength to tend to is that I made a mistake.

As hard as I try I can’t bring the fire back.  There are moments of passion, but I even wonder if they are real sometimes.  I wonder if this is what marriage is like for everyone… the ebbs and flows…if they are unmistakably this frequent and confusing.  Or if I’m missing out.  If there is a true and single connection to be made out there while I sit and make the best of my choices here at home.  I am aware that the grass really is always greener… I am sure that my fantasies would disappoint me if they really surfaced.  The funny thing is that my fantasies are more about closure than excitement!  Hmmm…. question for the therapist I’m currently not seeing anymore!

Maybe it’s the loss of my innocence… the refusal to believe that life, and marriage, are just difficult – no matter what.  What I wouldn’t do to step back into my teen years… for just one night.  To feel that wonder again!  To go on my first “real” date all over again – to let go of all the rules I had for myself as a young and way too good girl.  🙂  To re-live my college romance and grant myself that one wishful memory.  I can’t go back and make different decisions.  That’s for sure.  But I want to.

I am thankful for the memories and the dreams that keep me dreaming.  I have to be, they keep it interesting.  🙂


The Key To Life

I think I’ve got it!  It’s a simple concept but oh so difficult to accomplish – and definitely takes a lifetime to achieve.

KNOW YOURSELF.

This has to be it.  Everything else is truly just circumstance.  Circumstances that you choose to take advantage of or not, but circumstances nonetheless.  The only way to truly live life to its fullest intention is to understand how you relate to others.  In this realization, you free yourself from limitation and everything that leads to limitation: guilt, shame, hypocrisy, etc..  The closer I come to understanding who I am, how I came to be the person I am today – the faster I move in the direction of becoming who I want to be.  I understand that my actions and reactions are primarily emotionally driven.  That knowledge allows me to step out of my emotional self, and begin observing myself from an intellectually constructive angle.  Does it make sense that I am so angry?  Where is this anger coming from?  How else could I show my anger?  What emotions or thoughts am I having that are mere results of my anger?  Does this anger ultimately offer insight into who I am?  The older I get the more I am able to actually pause long enough to answer most of these questions.  In doing so, I become closer to the person I see in the mirror when my mirror is clear.

I want more out of my life.  These days my anger is mostly about wanting more.  I have to figure out how much more – why I want more – and how I can find the motivation to get more.

I’ll keep you posted.  🙂