I’ve been waiting to hear these words for quite a long time. Writing my last post was pretty important for me. I needed to release all of that tension and call it like it is, if you will. Since then, things did get better for a few days and then, of course they went back to what has become our “normal.” I never remember what argument triggers it because it’s not the argument, it’s the communication pattern we’re stuck in. We ended up having another talk about the state of things, which started out cordial and ended in tears. I said the same things I’ve said a million times, again. I don’t know why I keep repeating myself. I think it is because I feel so stuck that it only makes sense to keep trying. Perhaps… perhaps I’m just a good example of insanity! I walked away from the conversation when he started to get extremely aggravated that I brought up counseling again. He is adamant that he will not go and has been since I’ve known him. This has always been a problem of pride also tied in large part to his culture. Of course, I know that in general, men have a hard time with it. I finally told him that we should just call it like it is and accept that things can’t change because we both aren’t committed 100% to doing whatever it takes. I told him that I would clean out the guest room and move my things and we’d just be as friendly and accepting of each other as we could be until our financial situation changed enough for us to separate.
I went to the guest room and ripped it apart. I put my favorite pictures in it, I removed things that had been driving me crazy since we moved here; I bought myself a new comforter. I made it my haven. It is my haven… I walk into it and I feel relaxed and comforted by my artwork on the walls, my intention in the air. It’s my space and I have needed a space that is mine for quite some time. Of course, there is more I want to do and it’s depressing how much I’ve been sleeping here, but that was the plan. It’s depressing because that evening as I was preparing dinner, he approached me and finally said the words I’ve needed to hear for so long. He put his arm around me and said, “Honey, I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want us to separate. I want to be married to you for the rest of my life. I’ll do anything.” Again, tears. I really hate my tears these days. I told him, “Anything? I don’t think you mean that. What is ‘anything’ to you?” He proceeded to tell me he’d take me on dates and try and bring some romance back, pay closer attention to me, etc. I did tell him that was one thing I thought would help us earlier, but that isn’t all. Maybe I should’ve been happy with that. But my heart is so hard and I have so much anger built up in me, and resentment that I could not just fold and tell him, “Okay, I’ve waited so long to hear you say that…” It just isn’t that simple anymore. Nonetheless, we ended up having a good couple of days again, until the next argument when we started from zero again.
I guess I still have a bit of hope because he seems to respond and listen better since I made the solid decision to sleep in the guest room when I need to. He doesn’t understand and still repeats the same things, but not as often. He still says that I think counseling will fix everything, but it won’t because I’ve been wanting to leave him for years. I can’t really go into everything he told me because I am exhausted. I am sick of being so exhausted. I get up in the mornings and muster every bit of strength I can to let the sadness drip out of me so I can get through my work day productively. I am taking care of myself by exercising and keeping up with my doctors. I know how important this is and I take pride in doing it and knowing that.
Last night, my son was going to sleep and was particularly clingy. He did not want me to put him down and he clutched my neck and seemed to be somewhat scared and insecure. I was pretty sad last night and I think he could pick up on that. I’ve had enough training in child development to know that he is already affected by all of this. And it kills me. I promised myself I would never put him or keep him in this kind of tension. It is not fair to him. I pointed this out to my husband this morning – maybe he heard it, maybe not. But this is one of the reasons I have to do whatever I have to do to bring back peace in my heart. I owe that to my son. He does not deserve to already feel that he has to comfort me. I asked him, “Do you want mommy to rock you a little bit longer?” He has just started to appropriately answer, “Yes” like a big boy. “Yeah,” he said. It broke my heart and comforted me at the same time. We rocked for about 5 minutes and then he went right to sleep, secure again.
And, so did I. In my “new” bed, under my new comforter. Life is strange and hard, but I’ll make it through this. I know I will. Thanks for reading.