Courage and Cravings

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
― Maya Angelou

Blogging can be lonely as hell.  So can marriage.  Let me tell you, I don’t know what keeps me writing or fighting sometimes.  Is it courage?  Or insanity?  What makes me so scared to start saving money and making this divorce happen?  What makes me believe that there could still be hope?  I feel these days like I’m slowly coming apart at the seams despite my incredible determination not to.  I believe it’s just exhaustion… shear exhaustion.  Exhaustion from years of trying to explain myself and the problems to my husband.  Years.  YEARS.
“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” ― Dale Carnegie

“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.”
― Mary Anne Radmacher

“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”
― Samuel Johnson

He is trying.  I can tell.  In the last few days there have been some signs of a fundamental change.  I know it will not happen over night.  The only problem with it is that it is so incredibly late.  I want to feel grateful and relieved and “back to normal.”  I want to crave him… but I don’t.

The only thing I crave these days are my dreams.  I’ve been having recurring dreams of the one that got away; rather, the one that almost was.  The one that was my best friend.  The one that wouldn’t leave the room unless he knew that I felt at least better… until I felt understood and heard.  The one that could hug me and make the world disappear.  In my dreams, he’s been doing that.  He’s been hugging me, and I’ve finally been able to feel his intimate touch and his lips against mine.  It has been my saving grace in the middle of the night… compensation for the lack of affection and security I feel with my husband.  A good friend told me that he is showing up in my life to remind me that it is possible for me to be loved that way – that it’s out there.  Of course, I spend a lot of time (too much time?) imagining that he sometimes dreams of me as well… that he wonders if he made the right choice.  I wonder if he thinks about me and longs to know what it would’ve been like to grow and travel the world with me.  It seems like he’s living the life I was meant to live, somehow.  Whatever the reason he has come back into my life, even if only fantastically, I am so grateful for it.  I am grateful for those dreams that feel so real I wake up feeling comforted and loved.


About Ellie

Everybody needs his memories. They keep the wolf of insignificance from the door. ~Saul Bellow To look backward for a while is to refresh the eye, to restore it, and to render it the more fit for its prime function of looking forward. ~Margaret Fairless Barber, The Roadmender View all posts by Ellie

3 responses to “Courage and Cravings

  • thesexyspouse

    I just want to give you a big hug! I can hear the pain and longing in this blog entry. Thanks for checking out my blog. Let’s share some ideas for adding spice. 🙂 What has worked at home in the past?

    • Colors Of Me

      Thanks so much, I’m really honored that you re-posted my blog! I am a bit of a perfectionist, though, so when I re-read it following the link on your blog I hid under my computer table!!! Haha – I think I just have to understand that people are actually reading it now, which is good! Sometimes when sharing thoughts like this it is hard to remember that it’s not just me and my journal. That was the point of starting the blog, though, to get support. And I do need any ideas you think I may not have tried, although, I feel like I’ve tried them all. As for what has worked in the past? Once when things got this bad, I moved out. He thought it was over and had always threatened that it would be if I ever did actually take that step. Turned out, his threats are idle too :). He was very sad to see my things moving out of his place. He turned into the person I wish I was married to today. He treated me like I was something special again. We dated again, he respected my space and I respected his. I lived in my own place, with an awesome roommate, for 6 months. At the end of that period, things were so wonderful again that I thought for sure it was just what we’d needed. Over time, we’re pretty much back where we were then. Only this time, we have a child. I can’t afford to move out. All I can do is move into the guest room, and while at first this seemed to matter to him and make him sad, now he just sees it as another sign of my craziness. The act of setting boundaries is crazy to him! We did have two good nights this week, great nights, I should say. And then a few things happened in a row and now we’re back to treating each other like strangers. I just don’t understand it. Thanks for reading, thanks for your encouragement. I’ll keep up with your blog. 🙂

      • thesexyspouse

        I’m sorry to hear about the place you now find yourself in. Every relationship has good and bad times, and only you can know if there is more worth fighting for, or more reasons to leave. Trying is the key, but it takes two. It’s hard to be lonely inside a relationship. My husband and I have had a difficult year, but things are now getting better. Does your blog help you heal? I hope so. 🙂 Stay strong. You are not alone.

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