Monthly Archives: March 2012

Begin

“This is how to clear the polluted river.  If you’re scared, scared to fail, I say begin already, fail if you must, pick yourself up, start again.  If you fail again, you fail.  So what?  Begin again.  It is not the failure that holds us back but the reluctance to begin over again that causes us to stagnate.  If you’re scared, so what?  If you’re afraid something’s going to leap out and bite you, then for heaven’s sake, get it over with already.  Let your fear leap out and bite you so you can get it over with and go on.  You will get over it.  The fear will pass.  In this case, it is better if you meet it head-on, feel it, and get it over with, than to keep using it to avoid cleaning up the river.”  Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D. from her book Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype

I think this may be my theme lately.  We’ve had a couple good days.  I had a weekend away and it was extremely freeing and cleansing for me in so many ways.  I have finally realized how crucial girl time is, how crucial validation of self is to any relationship.  I am falling more and more in love with myself every day.  I forgive myself now, much more quickly than I have in the past.  I recognize my fears, acknowledge them, and become determined to overcome them.  In my mind, I can accomplish everything I want to accomplish.  I can go back to school, I can improve my career, I can write a novel (or at least an article), I can savor my friendships, I can make a difference, I can save my marriage.  Sigh.  In my mind, I can do everything and anything I put my mind to.  In reality, I restrict myself with the excuse of time.

Writing this blog has truly helped me grow.  I think it’s even helped my marriage in some small way because rather than holding in all of my frustrations and unleashing them in unproductive ways, I’m able to remain calm and constructive during “discussions” these days.  But it takes time, and I find that sometimes I resent the time it takes.  I know that it is necessary for me now and that it is also good practice for one ultimate goal of mine, which is to write a novel.  I am still going to continue to write, and to try and write more often.  It can be difficult for many reasons to find time to do this, but on days like today, when somehow after 4 full days of hope and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, it disappears almost entirely, I need to reach out.

A good friend recommended the book referenced above to me to remind me that I am loved… this was one part of the section that jumped out at me because the fear of what is to come can be so crippling.  I am almost afraid of my own strength these days.  I’m so much stronger now than I ever have been that even though things can be going much better one minute, the walls I’ve built around myself and the boundaries I’ve set remain so firmly in place that once they are crossed I revert back into my shell.  This morning, my husband denied that he yelled at me when he all but screamed at me yesterday for no good reason.  As soon as he said, “When did I yell at you?”  I simply looked at him and said, “Are you sure that’s what you want to go with?”  No response.  “This conversation if over, then,” I said.  Because, what’s the point in continuing a conversation with someone who cannot own their own behavior?  There isn’t.  And I don’t have the strength to do it anymore.  Even though we’d shared two very good days together and I can tell he is clearly trying, I just can’t back down this time.  I do have guilt that I should give him a break due to his depression, but at the same time I am afraid that I am using his depression as an excuse for this pattern of behavior and  therefore, it’s really only going to hurt me and him if I let him continue in it.

I’m at a loss again.  I am glad for the reprieve I had and the passage above truly helps me put things into perspective.  It’s the reminder I need, on a daily basis, that trying again and again at my marriage doesn’t make me weak.  It also reminds me that if I do ultimately end this marriage, that although it will feel like I have failed, I will survive the feeling of failure.  I will make it, no matter what happens.  I will clean up my river…

 


Stars aligning – insanity stirring.

This is my horoscope today.  Lately, they have been way, way too accurate.  But, this one today has put me in quite a state.

“After months or even years of going back and forth in a relationship, you will reach a major turning point and a revelation. Sometimes things come to an abrupt ending, while other times they just slowly fade away. Certain truths are starting to become too obvious to ignore — so you will have to stop ignoring them. Until you see things as they truly are, you can’t move forward and give your full attention to someone who is much more deserving of your time.”


Coming Home

Every time I come home, my emotions lose their focus.  I suppose, that regardless of where I am, they’ve been doing that lately.  This visit home marks the first time I’m acting as a caretaker for one of my parents; it’s been an experience.  I’m discovering that maybe I’m not much of a caretaker.  I used to be; I think I used to think of others much more than I think of myself now.  I’d like to do that more, but I really feel that my ability to do think of myself at all is something I’ve had to learn over time.  It’s somewhat of a defense mechanism, I suppose. 

I really hate to be vague, but I can’t possibly describe all the reasons and happenings that have brought me to my current state of mind.  I’m very tired and should try to sleep; instead of trying to answer the questions I’ve been incessantly asking myself now for the last couple of years.  I wouldn’t be so tired if I’d just let myself live the answers, as cliche as that sounds.  I try to let things be how they are… I just wrote a post on that!  Yet, somehow, I cannot stop trying to make sense of everything and find a finite answer to my confusion anyway.  I really hate that the confusion is turning to anger and the anger to sadness so often now.  My anger is calming down, and acceptance has certainly arrived.  The more I accept things the way they actually are, the more sad I am.  I’m feeling trapped because I’m afraid to rip my life into shreds.  That’s all.  I’m afraid to make another mistake.   I’m afraid of everything that would have to do with a separation or a divorce.  I already feel alone enough, I don’t know if I could handle actually being alone. 

I wish things were different; I wish I appreciated more things about my life and that I could focus more on the positive.  I wish I could do that, but it doesn’t seem to be happening lately.  I’m falling asleep… goodnight, readers – whoever you are!


Beginning

he followed the sun & she followed the stars & in dreams they listened closely for the beginning of all things, for that was where they knew they’d find each other

-brian andreas, Story People


Screaming

Virtual SCREAM.

And, then silence.  Always, silence.  I can’t stand the silence in my house sometimes.  It’s a “stranger silence.”  Ya know, I walked down the aisle to a song about silence, which is quite ironic now.  I think I used to love the simplicity of my husband; his silence, seemingly simplistic and sincere.  Now, I hate it.  I hate his silence with a passion.  I just want to open him up and find out what the hell makes him tick – what motivates him and what moves him.  What makes him so tired and what gets him fired up.  BESIDES POLITICS.  My god, he knows every politician’s middle name for Christ’s sake!  Sigh.  I used to love watching politics with him.  Now, that I’ve watched the “cycle of politics” a few too many times, I just see it as a rotating merry-go-round with different ass holes to ride on.  I mean, seriously.  That’s what it is.

I have no idea what this post means.  I’ve had a hard week… month… sheesh… it’s a rough time.  And, it’s getting to me lately.  Plus, we had an argument tonight because while we’ve been getting along quite well now that we’re “living” in different rooms, whenever we need to actually show each other a little support, we start to argue again.  It’s hopeless.

And I hate hopelessness.