Coming Home

Every time I come home, my emotions lose their focus.  I suppose, that regardless of where I am, they’ve been doing that lately.  This visit home marks the first time I’m acting as a caretaker for one of my parents; it’s been an experience.  I’m discovering that maybe I’m not much of a caretaker.  I used to be; I think I used to think of others much more than I think of myself now.  I’d like to do that more, but I really feel that my ability to do think of myself at all is something I’ve had to learn over time.  It’s somewhat of a defense mechanism, I suppose. 

I really hate to be vague, but I can’t possibly describe all the reasons and happenings that have brought me to my current state of mind.  I’m very tired and should try to sleep; instead of trying to answer the questions I’ve been incessantly asking myself now for the last couple of years.  I wouldn’t be so tired if I’d just let myself live the answers, as cliche as that sounds.  I try to let things be how they are… I just wrote a post on that!  Yet, somehow, I cannot stop trying to make sense of everything and find a finite answer to my confusion anyway.  I really hate that the confusion is turning to anger and the anger to sadness so often now.  My anger is calming down, and acceptance has certainly arrived.  The more I accept things the way they actually are, the more sad I am.  I’m feeling trapped because I’m afraid to rip my life into shreds.  That’s all.  I’m afraid to make another mistake.   I’m afraid of everything that would have to do with a separation or a divorce.  I already feel alone enough, I don’t know if I could handle actually being alone. 

I wish things were different; I wish I appreciated more things about my life and that I could focus more on the positive.  I wish I could do that, but it doesn’t seem to be happening lately.  I’m falling asleep… goodnight, readers – whoever you are!

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About Ellie

Everybody needs his memories. They keep the wolf of insignificance from the door. ~Saul Bellow To look backward for a while is to refresh the eye, to restore it, and to render it the more fit for its prime function of looking forward. ~Margaret Fairless Barber, The Roadmender View all posts by Ellie

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