Monthly Archives: February 2013

Story of my life…

Each time I have said this I have felt guilty.  oh it’s the story of my life, “woe is me.”  Right?  Yes.  Right.  Exactly accurate as a matter of fact.  I sit here, cold and shivering, wondering why I cannot relax, why life has taken this turn.  Why did I have to stumble upon love sentiments from my husband and partner for 10 years to another woman?  Why, when I have been trying so. Fucking. Hard. To hold onto him?  To hold onto who i know he could be?  Why do i have such faith in someone who has no faith in themselves?  Because you cannot have faith in yourself when you disrespect your wife.  And by disrespect, i don’t mean what you think I mean.  I am broken and confused.  I understand why he would do it, I have done it in my dreams, but this is reality.  This is pain that penetrate layers of me I didn’t know existed.  But, also layers of strength.  I can make it through anything, I have made it through worse than this, already.

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Reflections

A friend forwarded this to me today.  It’s amazing how much of it I can identify with.  It’s frightening on many levels that I recognize my own behaviors here.  I have been having many revelations over the last year or so about my contributions to the abusive patterns in our relationship.  This is eloquently written… the difference between my revelations and this article is that I still believe that if I can just fix myself, I can change the pattern.  I would like to think that I don’t believe this, that I’m beyond that hope, but I can’t.  Because I’m not.  I wonder if I ever will be.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to accept that some things, some people, are not capable of change.

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/intimacy-abusive-relationships/

 


It’s easier to communicate via Pinterest


Away

Friends,

i’ve been absent from the blog.  for the first time in my life i feel like writer’s block is controlling me.  this isn’t what i planned.  this blog was supposed to be an escape for me, a place for me to erase inhibitions and lose the fear i’ve had in my “real” life for years.  fear of non-silence, fear of truth, fear of what others will think about my life.

it’s crippling, but i am moving in many ways, just not in my writing life.  it’s fine, because at least i am moving and i am grateful for that.  truth be told, my marriage is still hangin on but by a silly string.  we had an amazing january, and reconnected on the new year.  this was important in many ways as it rejuvenated my willingness to try.

i feel stronger and more alive than i have in years and i am proud of who i am becoming.  i wish i didn’t feel so alone in my own house majority of the time i am there, but my son continues to keep my heart pumping with energy and love and life.  and, i am taking care of myself.  i am loving myself, and it feels great.

at least i know that i don’t want my marriage to end, but i am working towards being okay if it does end.  not much more i could ask for than that…

thank you for hanging on and being patient with me.  it’s not much, but every bit of feedback i get from this blog matters to me.  so thank you, to all of you, for every comment.

 

🙂