Each time I have said this I have felt guilty. oh it’s the story of my life, “woe is me.” Right? Yes. Right. Exactly accurate as a matter of fact. I sit here, cold and shivering, wondering why I cannot relax, why life has taken this turn. Why did I have to stumble upon love sentiments from my husband and partner for 10 years to another woman? Why, when I have been trying so. Fucking. Hard. To hold onto him? To hold onto who i know he could be? Why do i have such faith in someone who has no faith in themselves? Because you cannot have faith in yourself when you disrespect your wife. And by disrespect, i don’t mean what you think I mean. I am broken and confused. I understand why he would do it, I have done it in my dreams, but this is reality. This is pain that penetrate layers of me I didn’t know existed. But, also layers of strength. I can make it through anything, I have made it through worse than this, already.
Monthly Archives: February 2013
i’ve been absent from the blog. for the first time in my life i feel like writer’s block is controlling me. this isn’t what i planned. this blog was supposed to be an escape for me, a place for me to erase inhibitions and lose the fear i’ve had in my “real” life for years. fear of non-silence, fear of truth, fear of what others will think about my life.
it’s crippling, but i am moving in many ways, just not in my writing life. it’s fine, because at least i am moving and i am grateful for that. truth be told, my marriage is still hangin on but by a silly string. we had an amazing january, and reconnected on the new year. this was important in many ways as it rejuvenated my willingness to try.
i feel stronger and more alive than i have in years and i am proud of who i am becoming. i wish i didn’t feel so alone in my own house majority of the time i am there, but my son continues to keep my heart pumping with energy and love and life. and, i am taking care of myself. i am loving myself, and it feels great.
at least i know that i don’t want my marriage to end, but i am working towards being okay if it does end. not much more i could ask for than that…
thank you for hanging on and being patient with me. it’s not much, but every bit of feedback i get from this blog matters to me. so thank you, to all of you, for every comment.