Monthly Archives: March 2013

Not Okay

I am pretty sure no one is reading this now, so it’s just a quiet blog out there to be discovered someday when it needs to be. I haven’t deleted past posts because I feel that that would be dishonest. My life is literally coming apart at the seams and so am I. I’m disengaging from everything. All the work I’ve done to save myself and save my marriage is being dismantled, day by day. I feel like the biggest fool there ever was. I keep trying to get my husband to see how much I love him, and to show me how much he loves me. I keep fighting, I keep trying, and I keep getting rejected… by my own husband. So how long, I wonder, am I willing to keep this up? I wonder what psychosis in me is allowing this to continue? For the last 48 hours I have hardly had the strength to be a mother. All of a sudden I feel like I am completely inadequate in every area of my life. I have struggled with anxiety my entire life. I’ve heard people tell me to ask them for help when/if I need it. And I am suddenly completely unable to do that. I should be okay now, shouldn’t I? I’m too old to feel this helpless and this gripped by anxiety and depression. I don’t even know what I am so sad about… I don’t even understand why I am so lost. Except that this is my pattern, this is the part of the sick and twisted cycle that I need to own. This is and has been what I do when things get hard enough. I can be the strongest person you’ll ever know… until all of a sudden I can’t even function. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts throughout my life. I never thought I’d have them as long as my son’s face was in my mind. And at the end of this day and every other day, his face is there and it is enough for me to come back down from my desire to ultimately escape. Because what would that do? I said to myself tonight, “It wouldn’t matter, he’d be fine” and then immediately corrected myself, “No, he needs me. His life would not be the same if I was not the one to raise him.” And I know that. And so I picked myself up and told myself that no matter what, it is truly time for me to shift my energy and my focus from saving my marriage to saving my son from my marriage. I’m gonna be okay. I have no idea how, but I will be. And I’ll get the strength to ask for the help I need, and the money will come. It has to. I’m shattered and confused and I feel like I am failing everyone by giving up on my husband. But he has given up on me, he has proven over and over again that he is not willing to walk one step towards me, he’s not willing to try even just a little bit to save our marriage. He is who he is and he will forever be who he is. And I can’t change him, and if I continue to try, it will kill me and it will damage my son.

I’ve never felt so insane in all my life. I’ve never felt so scared and so lonely and so confused. And, I’ve been very very confused many many times in my life. I wish it were easier to tell my friends the truth. But it’s not. For now, I’ll take every day as it comes to me. And every day I’ll wake up and remember that my son is the one who matters. He is the one who needs me.