I’m seeing a new therapist. The husband cheated on me… and I’m sure some would and could argue that that isn’t accurate. But he had conversations with a past girlfriend via Facebook (gotta love it) that were intimate, and I found them accidentally on purpose! I mean, you’ve found things accidentally on purpose before right? Okay. Just sayin’… his phone was unlocked and I noticed that the facebook messenger app was front and center and he barely knows how to access facebook on his phone so I was intrigued. And there ya go. I found my worst nightmare.
I confronted him and to this day (this was a couple months ago hence my last post) he still likes to act like I made a bigger deal out of it than it really was.
I have a couple of things to say tonight. I am not gonna hold back because I don’t have to. I’m really fucking angry. I’m angry that it’s so difficult to say how I feel about things, about certain people who have influenced my life. I am angry that I can’t just let it all go and be uninhibited. My therapist gave me an assignment tonight… my new therapist. She asked me to identify all of the things that I think prevent me from changing intellectual understanding of my situation into action. I told her flat out: money. She laughed with me and then we agreed that the emotional part of this is what is the most challenging angle for me. I’m struggling with this list.
Today we talked about what it was like to be raised in a “secret” alcoholic household. That was hard for me. It was hard for me, because I brought up how I felt the need to explore it for the first time in my life. Also, what I didn’t reveal is that for the last two weeks I have literally felt just like my father… I have come home and landed straight in the wine glass. And, I really have no business buying wine right now so the fact that I am spending money on it when there’s clearly no reason disturbs me. My tolerance for it disturbs me. I know it is just a phase, but I am haunted by all of the voices in my head reminding me why I ended up so utterly emotionally unintelligent. It took me YEARS to identify my dad as an alcoholic… even longer to realize that it affected me in extremely significant ways.
Right now I am just swimming in overwhelming emotions on the inside, but trying to laugh and make the most of what is still seemingly in tact in my life. I mean, tonight my husband and I had dinner and you’d have thought we were the happiest couple ever. We function just fine on a daily basis unless we are talking about anything that matters: how to raise our child, religion, me, ya know… little things…. okay I am laughing a little and yes I get that it’s fucked up that I wrote “me” but that’s the truth.
I’m advised by a very good friend that despite my best efforts I should head to sleep. I just needed to touch base and vent a little because my last post was so utterly ridiculously sad and scary. I am fine. HAHAHAHAHA I am so not fine. But I am managing. I am laughing. I have support, I am in weekly therapy. I am loved, and I know I am loved. And, I have what I need to get through each day during this extremely intense time in my life. Somehow despite it all I am still able to come back to sanity. I think it’s age.
Obviously, I didn’t dive into the issues like I wanted. I mean, the list of reasons why I can’t actually leave this abusive relationship is quite extensive and complicated. I can’t imagine even putting one thing down in stone. She asked me this week if the behaviors were there before he started this horrible job that I now blame all of his behaviors on… It shocked me how long it took me to answer “yes, they were.” I think I just refuse to believe that he’s actually an abusive person. I think I refuse to believe that he is not just a product of his upbringing, his circumstances, and that it just isn’t fair for me to give up on him. I realize that I may sound insane, but I think that has to be on the list. That I really just hate giving up on people, and I somehow believe (delusionally?) that I have the power to change them and help them see their potential and to rise to that.
I have so much more work to do with myself than I thought I did six months ago. I’m forgiving myself for the wine drinking. I need to forgive myself a lot more, and just be gentle with myself in general. The therapist told me I was in a “constant state of fight or flight” and that has sat with me unsettlingly ever since, only because it is so accurate I almost can’t swallow it.