This is my horoscope today. Lately, they have been way, way too accurate. But, this one today has put me in quite a state.
“After months or even years of going back and forth in a relationship, you will reach a major turning point and a revelation. Sometimes things come to an abrupt ending, while other times they just slowly fade away. Certain truths are starting to become too obvious to ignore — so you will have to stop ignoring them. Until you see things as they truly are, you can’t move forward and give your full attention to someone who is much more deserving of your time.”
“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
― Maya Angelou
Blogging can be lonely as hell. So can marriage. Let me tell you, I don’t know what keeps me writing or fighting sometimes. Is it courage? Or insanity? What makes me so scared to start saving money and making this divorce happen? What makes me believe that there could still be hope? I feel these days like I’m slowly coming apart at the seams despite my incredible determination not to. I believe it’s just exhaustion… shear exhaustion. Exhaustion from years of trying to explain myself and the problems to my husband. Years. YEARS.
“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” ― Dale Carnegie
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.”
― Mary Anne Radmacher
“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”
― Samuel Johnson
He is trying. I can tell. In the last few days there have been some signs of a fundamental change. I know it will not happen over night. The only problem with it is that it is so incredibly late. I want to feel grateful and relieved and “back to normal.” I want to crave him… but I don’t.
The only thing I crave these days are my dreams. I’ve been having recurring dreams of the one that got away; rather, the one that almost was. The one that was my best friend. The one that wouldn’t leave the room unless he knew that I felt at least better… until I felt understood and heard. The one that could hug me and make the world disappear. In my dreams, he’s been doing that. He’s been hugging me, and I’ve finally been able to feel his intimate touch and his lips against mine. It has been my saving grace in the middle of the night… compensation for the lack of affection and security I feel with my husband. A good friend told me that he is showing up in my life to remind me that it is possible for me to be loved that way – that it’s out there. Of course, I spend a lot of time (too much time?) imagining that he sometimes dreams of me as well… that he wonders if he made the right choice. I wonder if he thinks about me and longs to know what it would’ve been like to grow and travel the world with me. It seems like he’s living the life I was meant to live, somehow. Whatever the reason he has come back into my life, even if only fantastically, I am so grateful for it. I am grateful for those dreams that feel so real I wake up feeling comforted and loved.