“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”
― Maya Angelou
Blogging can be lonely as hell. So can marriage. Let me tell you, I don’t know what keeps me writing or fighting sometimes. Is it courage? Or insanity? What makes me so scared to start saving money and making this divorce happen? What makes me believe that there could still be hope? I feel these days like I’m slowly coming apart at the seams despite my incredible determination not to. I believe it’s just exhaustion… shear exhaustion. Exhaustion from years of trying to explain myself and the problems to my husband. Years. YEARS.
“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” ― Dale Carnegie
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.”
― Mary Anne Radmacher
“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”
― Samuel Johnson
He is trying. I can tell. In the last few days there have been some signs of a fundamental change. I know it will not happen over night. The only problem with it is that it is so incredibly late. I want to feel grateful and relieved and “back to normal.” I want to crave him… but I don’t.
The only thing I crave these days are my dreams. I’ve been having recurring dreams of the one that got away; rather, the one that almost was. The one that was my best friend. The one that wouldn’t leave the room unless he knew that I felt at least better… until I felt understood and heard. The one that could hug me and make the world disappear. In my dreams, he’s been doing that. He’s been hugging me, and I’ve finally been able to feel his intimate touch and his lips against mine. It has been my saving grace in the middle of the night… compensation for the lack of affection and security I feel with my husband. A good friend told me that he is showing up in my life to remind me that it is possible for me to be loved that way – that it’s out there. Of course, I spend a lot of time (too much time?) imagining that he sometimes dreams of me as well… that he wonders if he made the right choice. I wonder if he thinks about me and longs to know what it would’ve been like to grow and travel the world with me. It seems like he’s living the life I was meant to live, somehow. Whatever the reason he has come back into my life, even if only fantastically, I am so grateful for it. I am grateful for those dreams that feel so real I wake up feeling comforted and loved.
“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.” – Neil Gaiman
It’s no secret why this struck me. I’m fairly passionate about education and in particular the list of things that we aren’t taught. This quote stayed with me through the night last night. I also thought about it on the way to work this morning while listening to my Adele cd, given to me by my husband. I thought of my imaginary life… the one that I’d have lived if my college sweetheart had chosen me. I thought of the post he wrote on his most recent anniversary to his wife. “These have been the best years of my life.”
I don’t think I feel any differently. The years I’ve spent with my husband have been the best years of my life. I think it is possible to say such a thing, and still imagine better years. I thought at this point in my life things would be more defined. Thanks to my friend Walt Disney, I really believed that love and marriage and even friendship was pretty cut and dry. You care, you love, you marry, you’re happy. Life isn’t that simple. I’d like to start this new year off with a mission to accept the grey areas in my life. I think it may help my marriage. I want to be okay with wondering how my life would’ve been “if only” because the more life I live, the more I realize that nothing is as it seems. Nothing.
I have thus decided that this grey sea I swim in is not all that bad, and certainly not abnormal. I think I’ll start embracing the unknown parts of myself with this new understanding. Am I head over heals in love with my life and happy and 100% sure about every area of my life? Is anyone? I think my latest “key to life” revelation is that life is a series of in-between moments and it’s up to us to make the best of them.
Happy New Year!
I think I’ve got it! It’s a simple concept but oh so difficult to accomplish – and definitely takes a lifetime to achieve.
This has to be it. Everything else is truly just circumstance. Circumstances that you choose to take advantage of or not, but circumstances nonetheless. The only way to truly live life to its fullest intention is to understand how you relate to others. In this realization, you free yourself from limitation and everything that leads to limitation: guilt, shame, hypocrisy, etc.. The closer I come to understanding who I am, how I came to be the person I am today – the faster I move in the direction of becoming who I want to be. I understand that my actions and reactions are primarily emotionally driven. That knowledge allows me to step out of my emotional self, and begin observing myself from an intellectually constructive angle. Does it make sense that I am so angry? Where is this anger coming from? How else could I show my anger? What emotions or thoughts am I having that are mere results of my anger? Does this anger ultimately offer insight into who I am? The older I get the more I am able to actually pause long enough to answer most of these questions. In doing so, I become closer to the person I see in the mirror when my mirror is clear.
I want more out of my life. These days my anger is mostly about wanting more. I have to figure out how much more – why I want more – and how I can find the motivation to get more.
I’ll keep you posted. 🙂