Category Archives: marriage

Apathy…

Apathy

Elizabeth & The Catapult

 

Oh, Apathy
Don’t patronize me
I wasn’t staring at nothing for nothing

Oh, Apathy
Don’t hypnotize me
Once upon a time I thought I really stood for something
Something much greater than my love
If I just took the time to stop all of my talking
Maybe I’d remember what it was, what it was, what it was

Oh, Apathy
Don’t patronize me
Wake me up, I dare not sleep another hour
I’m waiting for the mission bells
My greatest fear is that I’ll wait for you forever
Still I’ll never hear the sound, hear the sound
I can’t let that happen now

Oh, Apathy
Don’t patronize me
Starry night is nothing like what I expected
Can’t let it get under my skin
This is not the dream long ago imagined
Then again nothing ever is, ever is, ever is

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Getting there

I’m seeing a new therapist. The husband cheated on me… and I’m sure some would and could argue that that isn’t accurate. But he had conversations with a past girlfriend via Facebook (gotta love it) that were intimate, and I found them accidentally on purpose! I mean, you’ve found things accidentally on purpose before right? Okay. Just sayin’… his phone was unlocked and I noticed that the facebook messenger app was front and center and he barely knows how to access facebook on his phone so I was intrigued. And there ya go. I found my worst nightmare.

I confronted him and to this day (this was a couple months ago hence my last post) he still likes to act like I made a bigger deal out of it than it really was.

I have a couple of things to say tonight. I am not gonna hold back because I don’t have to. I’m really fucking angry. I’m angry that it’s so difficult to say how I feel about things, about certain people who have influenced my life. I am angry that I can’t just let it all go and be uninhibited. My therapist gave me an assignment tonight… my new therapist. She asked me to identify all of the things that I think prevent me from changing intellectual understanding of my situation into action. I told her flat out: money. She laughed with me and then we agreed that the emotional part of this is what is the most challenging angle for me. I’m struggling with this list.

Today we talked about what it was like to be raised in a “secret” alcoholic household. That was hard for me. It was hard for me, because I brought up how I felt the need to explore it for the first time in my life. Also, what I didn’t reveal is that for the last two weeks I have literally felt just like my father… I have come home and landed straight in the wine glass. And, I really have no business buying wine right now so the fact that I am spending money on it when there’s clearly no reason disturbs me. My tolerance for it disturbs me. I know it is just a phase, but I am haunted by all of the voices in my head reminding me why I ended up so utterly emotionally unintelligent. It took me YEARS to identify my dad as an alcoholic… even longer to realize that it affected me in extremely significant ways.

Right now I am just swimming in overwhelming emotions on the inside, but trying to laugh and make the most of what is still seemingly in tact in my life. I mean, tonight my husband and I had dinner and you’d have thought we were the happiest couple ever. We function just fine on a daily basis unless we are talking about anything that matters: how to raise our child, religion, me, ya know… little things…. okay I am laughing a little and yes I get that it’s fucked up that I wrote “me” but that’s the truth.

I’m advised by a very good friend that despite my best efforts I should head to sleep. I just needed to touch base and vent a little because my last post was so utterly ridiculously sad and scary. I am fine. HAHAHAHAHA I am so not fine. But I am managing. I am laughing. I have support, I am in weekly therapy. I am loved, and I know I am loved. And, I have what I need to get through each day during this extremely intense time in my life. Somehow despite it all I am still able to come back to sanity. I think it’s age.

Obviously, I didn’t dive into the issues like I wanted. I mean, the list of reasons why I can’t actually leave this abusive relationship is quite extensive and complicated. I can’t imagine even putting one thing down in stone. She asked me this week if the behaviors were there before he started this horrible job that I now blame all of his behaviors on… It shocked me how long it took me to answer “yes, they were.” I think I just refuse to believe that he’s actually an abusive person. I think I refuse to believe that he is not just a product of his upbringing, his circumstances, and that it just isn’t fair for me to give up on him. I realize that I may sound insane, but I think that has to be on the list. That I really just hate giving up on people, and I somehow believe (delusionally?) that I have the power to change them and help them see their potential and to rise to that.

I have so much more work to do with myself than I thought I did six months ago. I’m forgiving myself for the wine drinking. I need to forgive myself a lot more, and just be gentle with myself in general. The therapist told me I was in a “constant state of fight or flight” and that has sat with me unsettlingly ever since, only because it is so accurate I almost can’t swallow it.


Not Okay

I am pretty sure no one is reading this now, so it’s just a quiet blog out there to be discovered someday when it needs to be. I haven’t deleted past posts because I feel that that would be dishonest. My life is literally coming apart at the seams and so am I. I’m disengaging from everything. All the work I’ve done to save myself and save my marriage is being dismantled, day by day. I feel like the biggest fool there ever was. I keep trying to get my husband to see how much I love him, and to show me how much he loves me. I keep fighting, I keep trying, and I keep getting rejected… by my own husband. So how long, I wonder, am I willing to keep this up? I wonder what psychosis in me is allowing this to continue? For the last 48 hours I have hardly had the strength to be a mother. All of a sudden I feel like I am completely inadequate in every area of my life. I have struggled with anxiety my entire life. I’ve heard people tell me to ask them for help when/if I need it. And I am suddenly completely unable to do that. I should be okay now, shouldn’t I? I’m too old to feel this helpless and this gripped by anxiety and depression. I don’t even know what I am so sad about… I don’t even understand why I am so lost. Except that this is my pattern, this is the part of the sick and twisted cycle that I need to own. This is and has been what I do when things get hard enough. I can be the strongest person you’ll ever know… until all of a sudden I can’t even function. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts throughout my life. I never thought I’d have them as long as my son’s face was in my mind. And at the end of this day and every other day, his face is there and it is enough for me to come back down from my desire to ultimately escape. Because what would that do? I said to myself tonight, “It wouldn’t matter, he’d be fine” and then immediately corrected myself, “No, he needs me. His life would not be the same if I was not the one to raise him.” And I know that. And so I picked myself up and told myself that no matter what, it is truly time for me to shift my energy and my focus from saving my marriage to saving my son from my marriage. I’m gonna be okay. I have no idea how, but I will be. And I’ll get the strength to ask for the help I need, and the money will come. It has to. I’m shattered and confused and I feel like I am failing everyone by giving up on my husband. But he has given up on me, he has proven over and over again that he is not willing to walk one step towards me, he’s not willing to try even just a little bit to save our marriage. He is who he is and he will forever be who he is. And I can’t change him, and if I continue to try, it will kill me and it will damage my son.

I’ve never felt so insane in all my life. I’ve never felt so scared and so lonely and so confused. And, I’ve been very very confused many many times in my life. I wish it were easier to tell my friends the truth. But it’s not. For now, I’ll take every day as it comes to me. And every day I’ll wake up and remember that my son is the one who matters. He is the one who needs me.


Story of my life…

Each time I have said this I have felt guilty.  oh it’s the story of my life, “woe is me.”  Right?  Yes.  Right.  Exactly accurate as a matter of fact.  I sit here, cold and shivering, wondering why I cannot relax, why life has taken this turn.  Why did I have to stumble upon love sentiments from my husband and partner for 10 years to another woman?  Why, when I have been trying so. Fucking. Hard. To hold onto him?  To hold onto who i know he could be?  Why do i have such faith in someone who has no faith in themselves?  Because you cannot have faith in yourself when you disrespect your wife.  And by disrespect, i don’t mean what you think I mean.  I am broken and confused.  I understand why he would do it, I have done it in my dreams, but this is reality.  This is pain that penetrate layers of me I didn’t know existed.  But, also layers of strength.  I can make it through anything, I have made it through worse than this, already.


Reflections

A friend forwarded this to me today.  It’s amazing how much of it I can identify with.  It’s frightening on many levels that I recognize my own behaviors here.  I have been having many revelations over the last year or so about my contributions to the abusive patterns in our relationship.  This is eloquently written… the difference between my revelations and this article is that I still believe that if I can just fix myself, I can change the pattern.  I would like to think that I don’t believe this, that I’m beyond that hope, but I can’t.  Because I’m not.  I wonder if I ever will be.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to accept that some things, some people, are not capable of change.

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/intimacy-abusive-relationships/

 


It’s easier to communicate via Pinterest


Away

Friends,

i’ve been absent from the blog.  for the first time in my life i feel like writer’s block is controlling me.  this isn’t what i planned.  this blog was supposed to be an escape for me, a place for me to erase inhibitions and lose the fear i’ve had in my “real” life for years.  fear of non-silence, fear of truth, fear of what others will think about my life.

it’s crippling, but i am moving in many ways, just not in my writing life.  it’s fine, because at least i am moving and i am grateful for that.  truth be told, my marriage is still hangin on but by a silly string.  we had an amazing january, and reconnected on the new year.  this was important in many ways as it rejuvenated my willingness to try.

i feel stronger and more alive than i have in years and i am proud of who i am becoming.  i wish i didn’t feel so alone in my own house majority of the time i am there, but my son continues to keep my heart pumping with energy and love and life.  and, i am taking care of myself.  i am loving myself, and it feels great.

at least i know that i don’t want my marriage to end, but i am working towards being okay if it does end.  not much more i could ask for than that…

thank you for hanging on and being patient with me.  it’s not much, but every bit of feedback i get from this blog matters to me.  so thank you, to all of you, for every comment.

 

🙂


Glimmer

Sometimes the truth is just a spark… 

 

I have been frozen the last few months… writer’s block I suppose.  I understand it on the same level I understand many things these quiet days (haha!)  My neighbor, who I love and cherish on these days, just told me that the first time she read my blog she was in awe of how well I expressed my emotions.  “I could never describe how I feel like that,” she said, “she expresses her emotions so well.”  

I never thought of it like that.  

 

The ONLY thing I tend to hear when sharing these things, is the people who would read my words and judgmentally scar me all over again.  I think of those things first, and I still don’t understand why!!!  How could I?  I know better than that! 

 

I hope I hear her voice the next time I attempt to share.  Self-kindness is nearly impossible in this society.


Not So Easy Silence

*In a moment of weakness…. I am going back and making myself publish previously written posts… this one was written in September.  I think I even published it for a few hours, then came back and reverted to draft.  Maybe I’ll leave it out there this time…”

 

Horoscope September 04, 2012 (Today):  Sometimes in life, we have to settle for good when we really wanted great. You’ve got an intensely devoted, loyal heart — and a questing, independent spirit that just won’t be tied down. This is a tough combo for some people to get, but rest assured, there are those out there who cherish this quixotic and delightful mixture. Someone who wants to blend their life with yours will understand why it is you who possess both these qualities in abundance — and won’t ask you to get rid of one or the other to satisfy them. Hang in there.

I’ve tried to sit down a write many-a-blog here in the last couple of months.  I haven’t been able to finish one… the topic has changed… the mood has changed… there has been little consistency in my life.  There have been highs and lows as is the ebb and flow of life, and the life of an unstable marriage.  This weekend things definitely came to a head as we approached and “celebrated” our 5th year of marriage.  Two weeks ago, I sat my husband down at a local restaurant and told him the following:

1.  Emphatically, I do not want to end our marriage.  That is the last thing I have ever wanted.

2.  Our son deserves to live in a peaceful environment, a loving environment.

3.  You and I have tried to work things out, and I’m finally at a point where I feel I have done everything I know to do to fix us, and none of it has worked.

4.  Because we have an obligation to create a safe and happy environment for our son, I’ve researched divorce laws and think it’s time for us to separate officially inside the house until we either decide together to keep trying or figure out a way to legally separate and start the process of divorce.

Those were basically the points of our conversation.  He was taken by surprise, I could tell.  He said to me, “I just don’t understand why we can’t make it work.”  I explained that I’ve been trying to tell him for years that we need help – I’ve come to the table with so many suggestions, begging him to come to the table with me to try to make things more peaceful between us.  Each time we’ve come together temporarily, agreed that we love each other and “tried.”  I say that with hesitation, because really all that comes to my mind when I think of his efforts to “try” is the way he has always reacted to my telling him that we need help, that we need to work to actively love one another.  He’s told me so many times that we don’t really have problems… he’s explained, “You don’t like when people have different opinions from you…” and that’s how he’s summed up “our” problems.  He’s said a few hurtful things, but it’s been mainly his method of communicating that’s been the most hurtful over the years.  There’s been a whole. lot. of silence on his part.  So much that it’s essentially allowed the incredible abyss between us to survive so well.  I’ve told him many times that if I had the money, I’d have already been gone.  I’ve explained my thoughts, my emotions, my wishes to him in writing, verbally, through tears, through anger and lately, through incredible calm.  Most of the time I’ve been met with silence… no acknowledgement whatsoever of a letter, tears, a plea for discussion, a dissertation on what makes me, me and why I feel lonely and helpless at this point in our relationship.

This weekend we attempted to have a nice dinner to mark our anniversary.  We dressed up and sat down, we started talking… about us.  Obviously trying to keep things positive… it was very hard to do so.  Right before dinner, we’d argued about getting ready.  I wanted him to be excited about going out, I wanted him to have a realistic understanding of what getting ready took – with a toddler and a baby sitter arriving within 30 minutes.  He wanted to drink a beer and sit on the couch, 30 minutes before the babysitter got there.  I still had to finish getting ready and obviously, our baby needed to eat and be ready for bed.  Somehow, we actually argued about this because as usual, I was hurt by the fact that even 30 minutes before our fancy anniversary dinner, he responded with a “don’t try to control me” tone when I told him, “aren’t you excited about going out?”  I listed a few things that needed to be done, and all I got was, “I’ll be ready…” and a “leave me alone” look.  So, by the time the babysitter arrived and we got into the car, I had already resigned myself to the tone the evening had taken on.  I was hurt, and wasn’t going to be able to leave that hurt place just for the sake of our milestone anniversary dinner.  I’m really not very good at leaving that place, I readily admit.  So, as dinner proceeded and wine was consumed, I remained comfortable on my throne of “you can’t hurt me anymore” stature.

It isn’t true, that he can’t hurt me anymore.  I thought it was.  I thought I was so confident and ready for anything, including divorce and separation.  All I have to do is look at my son’s face or hear him tell us, “Stop it!” when we raise our voices at each other and I know that separation is the right thing for him.  For awhile, that made my attitude and disposition very easy.  It was easy for me to move into the guest room, the guest bathroom, to tell him I had come to the unfortunate conclusion that we cannot make this work and therefore it is healthy and right to give up at this point.  I felt like I was somewhat on top of the world after our initial conversation – so sure of myself and what I’d said.  I felt like I was doing the right thing, period.  I still think I did the right thing by bringing it to that level.  When he asked me why we couldn’t make it work, I told him that I don’t know, I wish I did or I’d fix it, but the point is that it isn’t working and therefore we cannot live like this for the rest of our lives so we just need to move on and accept it for what it is for the sake of our son.

That was then… this is now.  Right now, I think I’d give my right arm not to lose him, not to break up our family.  The question I think I keep asking myself is whether that is because I don’t want the relationship to end, or because I don’t want to live without him.  I am pretty sure I’ve been asking myself this question for almost the entire time we’ve been married.  The dinner conversation resulted in a hurtful exchange – and he finally told me that he would have left by now if things were different financially as well.  I brought it up, I told him, “I’m going to be very honest with you, I think it’s over.  I don’t see you coming to me and trying to make it work, I can see it in your eyes and feel it in you – you’re going to just let it end.” In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t said it.  I wish I’d just let the conversation flow and not put a statement with such accusatory finality sit there in the middle of our anniversary dinner.   And, it went down hill from there.  What I didn’t expect was to fall off of my pedestal.  But, that is what I did… I fell hard over the next few days.

The reality of living without him hit me like a ton of bricks.  Suddenly, all I could think of was our wedding day, the way he looked at me while we stood there promising each other that we would stick it out in the good times and the bad.  We wrote our own vows, together.  I love our vows.  The words are framed in our bedroom; I designed a print of them and gave it to him for our 2nd or 3rd anniversary – in part because I felt that we needed a refresher.  Is it normal to need a refresher that soon?  I didn’t think so – the fact is we need a refresher every single day it seems.  So, I’m asking myself if we’re holding on the idea of our marriage now or to each other.  I think the question is the same internally now for both of us.  I cried my eyes out the next day.  I haven’t cried like that in years… my eyes were all but swollen shut – I just couldn’t speak without crying.  When I saw him after one of my “calm” moments of the day, he looked at me and then seemingly went on with his day… showing what seemed like absolutely no concern for me.  So, yes, that just made me cry harder and not because he wasn’t showing concern but because I was actually still expecting him to show concern in the way that I’ve always wanted him to.  The question, “Why can’t I give up?” was like a broken record in my head and heart all weekend.  All.  Weekend.


Alone.

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