Category Archives: Tears

Not So Easy Silence

*In a moment of weakness…. I am going back and making myself publish previously written posts… this one was written in September.  I think I even published it for a few hours, then came back and reverted to draft.  Maybe I’ll leave it out there this time…”

 

Horoscope September 04, 2012 (Today):  Sometimes in life, we have to settle for good when we really wanted great. You’ve got an intensely devoted, loyal heart — and a questing, independent spirit that just won’t be tied down. This is a tough combo for some people to get, but rest assured, there are those out there who cherish this quixotic and delightful mixture. Someone who wants to blend their life with yours will understand why it is you who possess both these qualities in abundance — and won’t ask you to get rid of one or the other to satisfy them. Hang in there.

I’ve tried to sit down a write many-a-blog here in the last couple of months.  I haven’t been able to finish one… the topic has changed… the mood has changed… there has been little consistency in my life.  There have been highs and lows as is the ebb and flow of life, and the life of an unstable marriage.  This weekend things definitely came to a head as we approached and “celebrated” our 5th year of marriage.  Two weeks ago, I sat my husband down at a local restaurant and told him the following:

1.  Emphatically, I do not want to end our marriage.  That is the last thing I have ever wanted.

2.  Our son deserves to live in a peaceful environment, a loving environment.

3.  You and I have tried to work things out, and I’m finally at a point where I feel I have done everything I know to do to fix us, and none of it has worked.

4.  Because we have an obligation to create a safe and happy environment for our son, I’ve researched divorce laws and think it’s time for us to separate officially inside the house until we either decide together to keep trying or figure out a way to legally separate and start the process of divorce.

Those were basically the points of our conversation.  He was taken by surprise, I could tell.  He said to me, “I just don’t understand why we can’t make it work.”  I explained that I’ve been trying to tell him for years that we need help – I’ve come to the table with so many suggestions, begging him to come to the table with me to try to make things more peaceful between us.  Each time we’ve come together temporarily, agreed that we love each other and “tried.”  I say that with hesitation, because really all that comes to my mind when I think of his efforts to “try” is the way he has always reacted to my telling him that we need help, that we need to work to actively love one another.  He’s told me so many times that we don’t really have problems… he’s explained, “You don’t like when people have different opinions from you…” and that’s how he’s summed up “our” problems.  He’s said a few hurtful things, but it’s been mainly his method of communicating that’s been the most hurtful over the years.  There’s been a whole. lot. of silence on his part.  So much that it’s essentially allowed the incredible abyss between us to survive so well.  I’ve told him many times that if I had the money, I’d have already been gone.  I’ve explained my thoughts, my emotions, my wishes to him in writing, verbally, through tears, through anger and lately, through incredible calm.  Most of the time I’ve been met with silence… no acknowledgement whatsoever of a letter, tears, a plea for discussion, a dissertation on what makes me, me and why I feel lonely and helpless at this point in our relationship.

This weekend we attempted to have a nice dinner to mark our anniversary.  We dressed up and sat down, we started talking… about us.  Obviously trying to keep things positive… it was very hard to do so.  Right before dinner, we’d argued about getting ready.  I wanted him to be excited about going out, I wanted him to have a realistic understanding of what getting ready took – with a toddler and a baby sitter arriving within 30 minutes.  He wanted to drink a beer and sit on the couch, 30 minutes before the babysitter got there.  I still had to finish getting ready and obviously, our baby needed to eat and be ready for bed.  Somehow, we actually argued about this because as usual, I was hurt by the fact that even 30 minutes before our fancy anniversary dinner, he responded with a “don’t try to control me” tone when I told him, “aren’t you excited about going out?”  I listed a few things that needed to be done, and all I got was, “I’ll be ready…” and a “leave me alone” look.  So, by the time the babysitter arrived and we got into the car, I had already resigned myself to the tone the evening had taken on.  I was hurt, and wasn’t going to be able to leave that hurt place just for the sake of our milestone anniversary dinner.  I’m really not very good at leaving that place, I readily admit.  So, as dinner proceeded and wine was consumed, I remained comfortable on my throne of “you can’t hurt me anymore” stature.

It isn’t true, that he can’t hurt me anymore.  I thought it was.  I thought I was so confident and ready for anything, including divorce and separation.  All I have to do is look at my son’s face or hear him tell us, “Stop it!” when we raise our voices at each other and I know that separation is the right thing for him.  For awhile, that made my attitude and disposition very easy.  It was easy for me to move into the guest room, the guest bathroom, to tell him I had come to the unfortunate conclusion that we cannot make this work and therefore it is healthy and right to give up at this point.  I felt like I was somewhat on top of the world after our initial conversation – so sure of myself and what I’d said.  I felt like I was doing the right thing, period.  I still think I did the right thing by bringing it to that level.  When he asked me why we couldn’t make it work, I told him that I don’t know, I wish I did or I’d fix it, but the point is that it isn’t working and therefore we cannot live like this for the rest of our lives so we just need to move on and accept it for what it is for the sake of our son.

That was then… this is now.  Right now, I think I’d give my right arm not to lose him, not to break up our family.  The question I think I keep asking myself is whether that is because I don’t want the relationship to end, or because I don’t want to live without him.  I am pretty sure I’ve been asking myself this question for almost the entire time we’ve been married.  The dinner conversation resulted in a hurtful exchange – and he finally told me that he would have left by now if things were different financially as well.  I brought it up, I told him, “I’m going to be very honest with you, I think it’s over.  I don’t see you coming to me and trying to make it work, I can see it in your eyes and feel it in you – you’re going to just let it end.” In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t said it.  I wish I’d just let the conversation flow and not put a statement with such accusatory finality sit there in the middle of our anniversary dinner.   And, it went down hill from there.  What I didn’t expect was to fall off of my pedestal.  But, that is what I did… I fell hard over the next few days.

The reality of living without him hit me like a ton of bricks.  Suddenly, all I could think of was our wedding day, the way he looked at me while we stood there promising each other that we would stick it out in the good times and the bad.  We wrote our own vows, together.  I love our vows.  The words are framed in our bedroom; I designed a print of them and gave it to him for our 2nd or 3rd anniversary – in part because I felt that we needed a refresher.  Is it normal to need a refresher that soon?  I didn’t think so – the fact is we need a refresher every single day it seems.  So, I’m asking myself if we’re holding on the idea of our marriage now or to each other.  I think the question is the same internally now for both of us.  I cried my eyes out the next day.  I haven’t cried like that in years… my eyes were all but swollen shut – I just couldn’t speak without crying.  When I saw him after one of my “calm” moments of the day, he looked at me and then seemingly went on with his day… showing what seemed like absolutely no concern for me.  So, yes, that just made me cry harder and not because he wasn’t showing concern but because I was actually still expecting him to show concern in the way that I’ve always wanted him to.  The question, “Why can’t I give up?” was like a broken record in my head and heart all weekend.  All.  Weekend.


My brother: Chapter 3: ME.

That phone conversation sent me into the dark place… that place where I go when I feel emotionally trapped.  I’ve been to that place oh so many times over the years.  I’ve lived there for months at a time.  I don’t go there very often any more, but when I do, I go with a new awareness that makes the pain deeper, and therefore shorter lasting.  There was nothing I could say… nothing.  Anything I said would have made me look like the ass hole.  I couldn’t believe the tone in his voice, the matter-of-fact way with which he spoke… the absolute void-of-emotion conversation we were having.  He was leaving to go back across the ocean in less than 24 hours… no desire to see your sister who is one of the greatest people you’ve ever known???  No NEED to see her and hug her and say thank you, I love you, one more time?  No.  Nothing but a slight obligatory tone indicative of a family member who is obligated to appease another family member just by showing up when is expected.  And then my mind started spinning…

Of course he was acting distant to me now that he’d come home and my parents were completely and amazingly supportive of his situation.  He’d called them and told them and given them a few days to think it over before he called back to tell them he was coming home to marry Rachel.  I finally spoke to my mother about it and her word-for-word comments were these,”I mean, what are we supposed to do, but be supportive?  We can make a big deal about it and worry about what everyone will think, or we can just accept that this is what it is and love them and be the supportive parents that they need us to be right now.  It could be a lot worse.”

Pause still for shock and awe.

My jaw nearly fell off my face.  After a few seconds of speechlessness, I managed to tell her how proud I was for her and how right she was.  I told her I was proud of her three times.  She acted surprised… and finally said, “Well, ya know, we’ve been through a lot, Ellie, and we aren’t going to be the kind of parents that aren’t there for our children.  I can’t tell you what some of my cousins went through with their families and the lack of support they received.  We’re just not going to do that.”  She talked a little bit more but I tuned her out… I told her I was proud of her for the last time and we said goodbye.

I shared this apparent awakening with an old friend and was able to laugh about how I feel that I have a right to take credit for some of that obvious emotional growth and development that has occurred in my parents… I like to think I broke them in with my bi-racial marriage and all.  They ignored my husband’s existence for 2 years and lectured me about how they’d burn in hell before they had black grand-babies… they told me at the age of 25 that I had no “idea” what I was doing and that I “better stop it now” before it’s “too late.”  Doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they meant by “too late.”  They never reacted well to any situation I found myself in.  They were never supportive of me in my darkest hours when I needed them the most.  As proud as I was of them for the way they were handling this situation, their ease and acceptance just dug the knife they planted in my heart many years ago in just a little bit deeper.  That is a pain that is profound and very energy consuming to cover up when they are around.

So, here was my brother, home and spending time with my mom and dad who completely and almost immediately embraced him and the girl they once said they could not stand.  They surrounded him with the love and support he needed almost immediately, as he said they would.  He told me, “they don’t have a choice, they’ll love her and be supportive of her because our family is amazing and that’s what families do.”  It has taken me years of therapy to realize that they very much do have a choice when it comes to what kind of parents they choose to be.  I am finally beginning to understand this. Parents always have a choice as to how they will react to their children.  Herein lies the “ME” part of this chapter.

In my frustration, I tried calling my parents, no answer.  I tried calling my sister, no answer.  I just could not bring myself to seek comfort from my husband, who had the knowledge to offer the most compassion, but lacks a general ability to actually show compassion, which presents an obvious problem. But, I decided to tell him anyway because quite frankly, he was the only one who knew the history and sometimes I just can’t be bothered explaining it all, nor do I want everyone in my life to know the drama that is my family.  I explained to my husband that I was feeling hurt by the entire situation on multiple levels:  hurt that my brother was showing no interest or even care about whether or not he saw me before he left the country, hurt that my parents had shown him such support and love when I never have been able to receive that from them. I told him that if it were not for me and all of the things I “put them through,” this would never be.  His response did not shock me… he told me “Don’t even take it there, Ellie.  Don’t even take it there. This isn’t about you or your parents…”  I stopped him and calmly explained that the situation involves me because of the bond I have with my brother.  I explained that I am allowed and should be granted full permission in my own house to feel things as I need to feel them as I adjust to the situation.  I explained that he must understand my shock and awe at my parents behavior considering that I had received such opposite behavior from them on multiple occasions in my life.  Certainly, he could understand that?? Apparently not. So, I told the blog. 😉

They finally came by; it was after their dinner reservations, around 9pm.  I’d just put my son to bed.  As soon as I saw him, all the anger and hurt I’d been feeling all day naturally disappeared.  I hugged him and told him to please keep in touch once he was back home.  I’m a bit of an over protective sister at this point and I do recognize that I have some adjusting to do, but who wouldn’t?  


Flowers and Jewelry (and a little hypocrisy)

Our latest argument was about money.  We argue about money quite a bit.  Mainly, this is due to the lack of money we generally have to do things that we have to do – such as grocery shop or pay for our newly established gym membership.  Last week we were too tight to pay the gym membership so I told my husband we needed to put it on the credit card until payday, when we could pay it right back.  His response?  “That’s not our money.  I don’t know what you’re going to do b/c we aren’t going to be able to pay it for another two weeks.”  Obviously, this meant I couldn’t go to the gym for those two weeks and he knows I am currently trying to lose weight (and doing very well!)  This absolutely infuriated me.  In my mind, it is just another way for him to try and control me.

Fast forward to Valentine’s Day.  He spent the day with a mutual friend of ours who I decided to clue into the recent (ha, recent) drama in our relationship.  Essentially I chose to let him in on the fact that I really believe that my husband is clinically depressed and needs a mentor or at least a friend to force him out of the house.  I knew this friend would be asking him what he was planning on doing for me for the big day in February that I’ve just grown to hate.  Excuse me for not sounding like a very appreciative wife here in the next paragraph.

I got a phone call towards the end of my work day.  He asked me to pick up the little guy even though he could’ve done so easily.  I figured that he could probably use some more time alone and as usual, held out a bit of hope that what he really needed the time for was so he could go home and prepare a romantic candlelight dinner, ya know, as part of his “I’ll do anything” campaign tour.  In my drive home, I tried to talk myself out of these expectations.  After all, I’d gotten him a card (because that was seriously all I could afford) and figured he’d probably done the same for me and that would be that.  I actually found a very appropriate card this year.  It essentially gently reminded him that I do love him without indicating that he’s this gigantic support system for me/the perfect man/my soul mate like most of them do.  I felt he needed that assurance because he seems to be convinced that I don’t want to be with him (although, I realize as well that this is a tactic part of his denial that our problems are real and therefore fixable if we just try to fix them).  I’ve somewhat shifted from anger to compassion as I’ve realized that his depression is real and true.  It’s the fact that he’s in denial and has always exhibited emotionally abusive behaviors that tips the scale to anger on some (okay most) days.  I can’t exactly use his recent depression as an excuse for that behavior, can I?  No, unfortunately.  Because, that would probably be easier.  Sigh.  I feel like I will never get to the end of this paragraph.  I think I have to start a new one now.

I got home.  No candles were lit, but I’d convinced myself not to expect that, right?  No, it couldn’t be that simple.  The house wasn’t picked up, but there were a dozen roses, two cards, and gift box on the table.  It was sweet, unexpected, but still fell short.  He knew what time I got home – I walked in the door to a mess and he was sitting on the couch talking on the phone.  It was almost like…. “See, I did it.  Here’s your freakin’ Valentine.”  See what I mean?  I sound a bit like a spoiled brat.  But that’s the thing – I’m NOT.  So what if I expected that he’d maybe have dinner ready?  The table set for us all to sit and eat together?  Maybe a frickin’ candle?  Instead, a box, that I knew would have jewelry in it, because he still thinks that I need things like this.  He is so convinced that if he buys me expensive things like jewelry, I’d feel better.  You can probably understand per the first paragraph why I felt like strangling him with whatever piece of jewelry was in that box before I’d ever seen it.  Seriously?  You got me JEWELRY?  You can buy me jewelry, but you can’t borrow money from the credit card to pay the gym dues so I can keep working out?  Oh, I see – what YOU think is important and not completely wasteful and unnecessary is acceptable, what I think is important is just little woman talk.  So, we opened each others cards and decided to save the jewelry for later.  When I opened it, I started crying.  As is the story of my life – I wasn’t crying tears of frickin’ joy – I was crying because the man is just so utterly clueless it literally hurts me.  It was a fancy, and beautiful choker (HA, the irony kills me).  It was great!  It will sit in the box it came in on top of my jewelry box and I’ll wear it maybe once a year; I don’t have clothes nice enough to match the damn thing for god’s sake!  I don’t care about expensive jewelry!!

I just let it go, though.  I said thank you, we watched a show, we went upstairs and finished every married couple’s Valentine’s Day ritual.  It was the first time I’ve ever gotten through it with the constant thought… “Is it over yet?”

Is it?


The Sentimental Drunk

Every day, it gets easier for me to call things like they are.  I really only see my mom these days when there’s a birthday or a holiday involved.  Lots of people are around to keep things traditional and wonderful and we appear from the outside to be as close as ever.  My family has always been all about appearances.  It took me years of therapy to realize this and I’m still learning about the depth of denial and vanity that exists in our family.  But, it is what it is.  I have learned, for the most part, to love my parents for who they are and I choose regularly to remind myself of their good traits.  I do the best I can to keep those forefront in my mind and to be thankful for ways in which they help when they are here.  I know that no parent is a perfect parent.

With that said, let’s get to the truth of the here and now.  I worked hard in therapy to forgive my parents for many things.  At one point when I was exploring why they are still able to have such an impact on my emotions on a semi-regular basis, we discussed that this is not a situation in which I have to muster forgiveness for something that happened years ago and the effects fade (for lack of a better term) or at least improve over a period of time.  It isn’t something I can exactly “put behind me” when “it” is a series of behaviors that still happen on a very regular basis.  As in, every time I see them.  On the rare occasion that my mother is able to visit on her own, it is maybe once a year that she stays for more than 24 hours; she cannot leave my dad for more than that.  During those times, and on the occasional evening phone call when my dad is out of the country, I feel like I have a mom again.  She listens, she responds, and that “mother” voice that offers unparalleled comfort, is alive and well.  If my dad is in the house, even if in a different room, her voice is that of a distant and removed mother.  She doesn’t listen, she hardly responds, and if it is, it is not a response that she would typically offer, but instead one that my dad would approve of overhearing.  It truly is sickening.  It’s heartbreaking for those who hear about this dynamic for the first time… everyone has sympathy and wants to talk about how “wrong” and “abnormal” this is, but then we always finalize the thought process with the age-old understanding that every family has its dysfunction.  I realize this.  And, this happens to be my family’s (ha! one of them!) and it so happens this is the one of them that is particularly affecting me lately.

I could really use a mother right now.  This morning, my mom took care of my little one while my husband and I slept in.  That was very kind!  I got hope and went down to see what kind of schedule they were on in hopes that just maybe, they’d be willing to stay for a full 24 hours and let my husband and I have lunch together, outside of the house.  I, for some reason, am still a little under the impression that if we had more alone time, things could be better – even now.  I was about 90% sure that my dad would be ready to leave as soon as he could – but there’s always that psychotic hope in me that they’d be able to chill out for an hour or two more.  I didn’t even have a chance to ask if they’d be okay with this because after about 3 minutes of sitting on the couch with my mom, my dad said, “So, are you ready to go, hon?”  And, there it was.  It didn’t surprise me at all, but it still stirred up some anger and disappointment.  I didn’t bother asking anyway, because, I’ve done that before and it almost always makes it worse.  My dad went to pack the car, and my mom and I had about 2 minutes of bonding time.  Here’s how it went:

“Your eye looks swollen honey.”

“Well, I’m getting old (half joking)… it’s just bags.”

“No, they look bloodshot…”  This was followed by a look of concern.

“Yeah, they always look like that in the mornings lately.  I’m tired.”

Here, I got the mom stare… the inkling of engagement and concern.  I’ve learned not to latch on to this, but my tears apparently haven’t learned that kind of self control yet.  Because, as soon as she looked me in the eye and said, “Are you okay?”  I couldn’t lie without them falling out!

“I’m okay.”  Not sure why I can never leave it at that, tears or not.  I tried to think of a way to sum up my life for her in the 45 seconds left of our bonding time.  So, I just said,  “I’m stuck; but I’m okay.”

And, my favorite part is next:

The concerned, sad look came over her and she said, “Oh, honey.  We’ll have some alone time in a couple of weeks where no one can interrupt us.”

Now, let’s talk about how many times I’ve heard that promise.  There was absolutely no reason we couldn’t have had some uninterrupted mother-daughter time right then.  No logical reason, anyway.  But, my dad was tired and ready to go and that’s all that ever matters.   I may have already posted about this once, but about 10 years ago my mom wrote me and my siblings a letter that very clearly laid out the emotional map for our lives.  She said a bunch of things about how wonderful and loving my dad is, about how much he had done for her, and then, proclaimed from the codependent hilltops (I am not exaggerating here), “…so I hope that you can understand that if given a choice in life between you and your dad, I will always choose your dad.”  This is not word for word because I don’t think it’s in my best interest to actually dig the letter out (I’m not sure why I haven’t burned it by now), but this is what it said.  I didn’t believe it either at first.  What mother would ever say that to their child, even if she had the thought?  What mother would feel like she had to choose between her husband (the father her children) and her children?  If a woman feels that that is a choices she has to make… something is VERY wrong.  Tragically wrong.  Well, welcome to my life.  This is how my mother lives hers.  It isn’t as if she had a moment of insanity and didn’t mean it how it came across.  It was clearly well thought out, intentional, and prophetic.  What is still amazing to me is that I’d pretty much been watching the transition from her “choosing” us and “choosing” him for years, I just didn’t think it could be a conscious one.  Up until that point, I’d started to really see my mother submit to my dad in ways that went against her basic self-worth.  My mother used to be a strong and independent person.  She used to do what she had to do to make things happen for her children.  I saw her stick up for us and for herself many times throughout my childhood.  I watched her continue her education amidst teaching my dad that just because she was far surpassing his, this did not mean that she was going to leave him in the dust.  The last true moment I can remember of my mom talking about her fight to stand up for what she believed with my dad was when she got her doctorate degree and he was having a moment where he felt the need to ask “Why is this so important to you?”  My mom explained to me that my dad was insecure in this area of his life, but that she was not going to let that hold her back or stop her from pursuing her ultimate dream of obtaining that degree.  I could not have been more proud of her.  After a series of events, however, all of that changed.  Every year, I see less and less of that strong woman my mother used to be.  All my sister and I see now is someone who has almost no individuality and certainly no strength left to hold my dad accountable for his own issues.  Instead, she takes his on.  She chooses to sympathize and explain away his alcoholism, his selfishness, and his denial (which is the cause of it all).  It truly does not matter how hurtful this behavior is, because in her mind, my dad is the most selfless, loving, sensitive man she’s ever known.  So much of my anger is towards my dad, and I suppose at least 2/3 of it can be attributed to the resentment that has built up over time for the fact that he stole my mother from us.

Last night, I threw a party for my little guy’s birthday.  After everyone left and we were cleaning up, my dad broke into his fairly regular routine of sitting back and reflecting on how proud he is of his children and how happy he is about, well, pretty much everything.  But, it usually centers these days around how proud he is of his children.  This is a very strange and confusing thing for me.  Up until last night, I guess I’ve been thankful for these moments.  Regardless of the fact that he’s drunk as hell every time he has them, I generally welcome the compliments that come my way.  My dad and I are a lot alike and I like to think I got most of his good traits (sigh).  He also has a strange distrust and underlying frustration and anger towards me because as far gone as he is in the denial department, I think he senses that I can see right through him and it makes him nervous.  Perhaps that is why he can particularly never relax when I’m around.  I can’t relax when he’s around either, so we’re even, I guess.  Last night, he called me over to him for a tearful hug and it felt more like a routine than it has any other time.  I went through the motions: hug him, let him hug me tighter, hug him tighter back, let him cry and tell me how wonderful I am.  For some reason this time I asked him what was wrong (ha!) and he said, “I’m just happy!  Nothing’s wrong,  I’m crying because I’m just so happy.  I love watching you and your brother and sister living your lives and being such wonderful, happy people.  You know how wonderful you are, Karen?  I’m so proud of you!”  He tried to lock eyes with me this time and get me to enter this drunk, happy world with him, and instead, I just disengaged and told him, “Thank you, dad.”  I continued cleaning, he didn’t miss a beat.  In his mind, we’d just shared a father/daughter bonding moment.  He felt even better and even more accomplished as a father.  I’m not saying he never did anything for me – I know he worked his ass off so I could have anything I wanted as a kid… but those were just things.  I’d much rather still have time with my mother today, perhaps some detox for him?  Perhaps some compliments instead of insults when he isn’t drunk?  Perhaps some anti-anxiety meds for him?  Sigh.

I think this most recent visit from “The Sentimental Drunk” angered me because he felt so proud in that moment – through that lens of denial the alcohol gives him – that allows him to sit back and pat himself on the back and feel like he’s accomplished as a dad.  Last night, I really felt like telling him that he could thank my therapists for my wonderfulness.  I am finally realizing just how fabulous I am.  So, when my dad asked me how I liked the flowers on my table and I replied, “They are very pretty, Dad…. kind of like me… ya know?  I’m just sayin’…”  He turned to my brother and said, “See what I mean?  That kind of confidence you all have makes me so proud.”  Ha!  It actually made me laugh out loud that he thinks he can take credit for that.  It actually makes me want to tell him that he’ll need to write me a check for about 10,000 dollars, which is probably low-balling it for how much all my therapy and trips to the hospital have costs before he can take even partial credit for it.

Confidence is something that I’ve only known in the last couple of years.  I may not sound like it now, but I have more of it now than I ever have.  That is why I am so lonely lately.  I finally have boundaries and walls built around me that I never had before.  I’m finally protecting myself.  And, I know these are healthy and necessary walls.  I have even returned to the gym and am getting physically stronger as well.  Man, does it feel good to take a boxing or weight lifting class!  I think it was the missing element for quite some time!!  Also, I have this blog that allows me to lay it all out there and feel accepted and understood in a small way!  I know I don’t have many followers, but every comment and every “read” validates and excites me!  And, that is something!  The point of this blog was to do just that!  I’m currently not in therapy, so getting all of this out of me is important.  I’m proud of myself for finding a way to do it.  And, it is working.  So, if you are reading I can’t thank you enough!  Even if you don’t leave a comment, it really encourages me just to know that people are popping in and out from time to time.

Every one of these things gives me strength.  Ya know, I am wonderful, Dad.  I’ve worked my ass off to be this wonderful.  🙂


“I’ll do anything.”

I’ve been waiting to hear these words for quite a long time.  Writing my last post was pretty important for me.  I needed to release all of that tension and call it like it is, if you will.  Since then, things did get better for a few days and then, of course they went back to what has become our “normal.”  I never remember what argument triggers it because it’s not the argument, it’s the communication pattern we’re stuck in.  We ended up having another talk about the state of things, which started out cordial and ended in tears.  I said the same things I’ve said a million times, again.  I don’t know why I keep repeating myself.  I think it is because I feel so stuck that it only makes sense to keep trying.  Perhaps… perhaps I’m just a good example of insanity!  I walked away from the conversation when he started to get extremely aggravated that I brought up counseling again.  He is adamant that he will not go and has been since I’ve known him.  This has always been a problem of pride also tied in large part to his culture.  Of course, I know that in general, men have a hard time with it.  I finally told him that we should just call it like it is and accept that things can’t change because we both aren’t committed 100% to doing whatever it takes.  I told him that I would clean out the guest room and move my things and we’d just be as friendly and accepting of each other as we could be until our financial situation changed enough for us to separate.

I went to the guest room and ripped it apart.  I put my favorite pictures in it, I removed things that had been driving me crazy since we moved here; I bought myself a new comforter.  I made it my haven.  It is my haven… I walk into it and I feel relaxed and comforted by my artwork on the walls, my intention in the air.  It’s my space and I have needed a space that is mine for quite some time.  Of course, there is more I want to do and it’s depressing how much I’ve been sleeping here, but that was the plan.  It’s depressing because that evening as I was preparing dinner, he approached me and finally said the words I’ve needed to hear for so long.  He put his arm around me and said, “Honey, I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want us to separate.  I want to be married to you for the rest of my life.  I’ll do anything.”  Again, tears.  I really hate my tears these days.  I told him, “Anything?  I don’t think you mean that.  What is ‘anything’ to you?”  He proceeded to tell me he’d take me on dates and try and bring some romance back, pay closer attention to me, etc.  I did tell him that was one thing I thought would help us earlier, but that isn’t all.  Maybe I should’ve been happy with that.  But my heart is so hard and I have so much anger built up in me, and resentment that I could not just fold and tell him, “Okay, I’ve waited so long to hear you say that…”  It just isn’t that simple anymore.  Nonetheless, we ended up having a good couple of days again, until the next argument when we started from zero again.

I guess I still have a bit of hope because he seems to respond and listen better since I made the solid decision to sleep in the guest room when I need to.  He doesn’t understand and still repeats the same things, but not as often.  He still says that I think counseling will fix everything, but it won’t because I’ve been wanting to leave him for years.  I can’t really go into everything he told me because I am exhausted.  I am sick of being so exhausted.  I get up in the mornings and muster every bit of strength I can to let the sadness drip out of me so I can get through my work day productively.  I am taking care of myself by exercising and keeping up with my doctors.  I know how important this is and I take pride in doing it and knowing that.

Last night, my son was going to sleep and was particularly clingy.  He did not want me to put him down and he clutched my neck and seemed to be somewhat scared and insecure.  I was pretty sad last night and I think he could pick up on that.  I’ve had enough training in child development to know that he is already affected by all of this.  And it kills me.  I promised myself I would never put him or keep him in this kind of tension.  It is not fair to him.  I pointed this out to my husband this morning – maybe he heard it, maybe not.  But this is one of the reasons I have to do whatever I have to do to bring back peace in my heart.  I owe that to my son.  He does not deserve to already feel that he has to comfort me.  I asked him, “Do you want mommy to rock you a little bit longer?”  He has just started to appropriately answer, “Yes” like a big boy.  “Yeah,” he said.  It broke my heart and comforted me at the same time.  We rocked for about 5 minutes and then he went right to sleep, secure again.

And, so did I.  In my “new” bed, under my new comforter.  Life is strange and hard, but I’ll make it through this.  I know I will.  Thanks for reading.


End of Our Ropes

If I compiled every letter I’ve written my husband over the years, I’d have at least a short novel.  It wouldn’t get published, though, because it’s fairly repetitive.  I think this is a sign to me that I’m asking for things I’m never going to get.

Two friends of mine recently severed ties with their boyfriends.  They are both in their 30s like me.  I have many different kinds of friends, like we all do.  Some of them are supportive and have been for years (and patient, might I add) and some of them, not so much.  Earlier this year one of them essentially told me that I should just “get over it” or “leave.”  Easy for someone to say who is not standing in my place.  I believe that she meant well and tried not to take it too personally, but it stuck with me and stumped me for a few months.

I really do try and remain positive.  I’ve been through a lot and rising above my natural gift for negativity is not easy, but I’m better at it now than I always have been.  I didn’t want to write about this constant marital turmoil for many months after my friend gave me her very blunt opinion about what she thinks I should do with my life.  Obviously, she isn’t the person I confide in anymore.  Nor do I rely on her support.  I still love her as my friend and she is supportive of me in other very important ways.  But it changed the dynamics of our friendship in a small way, forever.

It’s a fairly simple equation there… I realized that I could not get that kind of support from her anymore, and I decided after a few weeks of wondering what to do – to just accept it for what it is.  Love her anyway, set some new expectations, and move on and continue enjoying her as she is – no more, no less.

So why can’t it be like that with my husband?  Why isn’t it that simple?  I look at my friends who have just embarked on new chapters in their lives… they have decided “This is where you stop and I start.”  They have drawn a line in the sand and kept it there.  This is not without struggle and strife, mind you.  Both of them worked as hard as one can work to “fix” what was broken.  They both sacrificed, examined, and changed things about themselves along the way.  They both grew from their relationships… and they grew so much that they realized individually that their growth simply could not continue if they remained in their relationships.

So, this is not the first time I’ve lived vicariously through my friends who are seemingly much stronger and braver than I am.  I can’t draw that line in the sand, and although I’ve said in many ways, nicely and not so nicely, “This is where you stop and I start,” it hasn’t exactly held much weight because I’ve essentially “stopped” as well.  Only I haven’t.  I’ve kept growing, and the more I’ve grown the clearer things have become, and the clearer things have come and the less he moves with me, the more angry I get.  The point that now, the anger is almost crippling.  I am starting to believe that even at this point if he agreed to counseling or showed me any kind of valiant effort, it is already too late.  And, as is evident by the fact that I’m even writing all of this down, I am only getting stronger and braver by the day.

For years, I internalized everything and the only thing any kind of dynamical dysfunction in our (or any other) relationship crippled, was me.  After years of therapy and epiphany, I’ve stopped doing that.  It’s improved my relationship with my entire family… I’ve forgiven my dad for so many things and accepted him as the human being that he is, imperfect like the rest of us.  As I realized in all this therapy, however, just because it’s “easier” now and I’ve learned to cope with our dysfunction – it is still very present.  That is why the holidays bring stress and too much family time sends me over the plank a bit.  But I have medication for that… ;).  I think in all of this self-analysis, one major realization I had was how comfortable I was with all that dysfunction when I met my husband.  If I met him today, and the series of events that occurred even within the first 3 months of our relationship happened again, I’d have no trouble laughing that off as a “good try.”  I’d laugh with my girlfriends about how this guy thought I’d be his princess, when I’m actually a QUEEN.  I’d joke about his utter lack of selflessness, and about how pompous and proud he was.  I’d have been sad because his good qualities are so immensely good –  he has a good heart, he’s adorably attractive, he has an amazing perspective on life and the world, and his dreams are admirable.  But it would be a brief sadness… and I’d move on to someone who was a bit more aware of themselves and of what it takes to please and love and show care for another human being.

So is it really fair of me to stop the relationship in its tracks and expect him to be different, when he’s really the same person he always was?  This thought has kept me around as well. I’ve realized that it isn’t his fault.  I understand that I’m the one who has changed.  I understand that it’s not fair for me to expect him to just magically know what to do.  So, gently (and not so gently) over the last couple of years, I’ve introduced him to the new me, told him what I need to feel loved, and waited and hoped that it would sink in and that he’d want to grow and learn these things.  I believe that he can.  And the hurt that I feel at the true, emotionally raw moments when I am able to feel the immense sadness that is the death of our connection and thereby our love, stems from the realization that he is not interested in changing because he doesn’t think he needs to.  He thinks love is or isn’t, he doesn’t think it is something that you have to work on.  I’ve tried explaining it all to him, so many times, in so many ways, and I am just tired now and tired to the point hopelessness.  And the anger that turns to anxiety that turns me into a person and a mother that I don’t want to be… is becoming my line in the sand.  And it’s getting easier and easier to imagine walking away from that line and leaving him behind.  And he’s just letting it happen, and that breaks my heart.

I realized after our most recent, and most honest talk that we’ve ever had, that we are both at the end of our ropes.  I guess, I thought we were hanging on to the same one – but I don’t think we are.  We’re hanging on to two different ropes and swinging in two different directions.  We’re both physically and mentally exhausted, and we’re miserable.  And as he pointed out, there’s a little bit of hate in our arguments now.  And somehow we magically agree, now, that neither one of us is prepared to remain in a space where hatred exists.

Every time I look at my son, I see my husband’s good qualities… and I start to imagine what life would be like for him if we were apart.  It’s not a fairy tale… it’s not something I ever wanted to imagine would happen, but if we keep up the stress level that our relationship is creating in both of us 80% of the time now, he will learn the wrong things about love, just like I did.  And neither one of us wants that to happen.

I hope that I can keep writing like this.  I feel better every time I do, regardless of how scary the words are when I read them later.  Truth isn’t always comfortable, though, is it?


Index Schmindex

Who created the BMI Index?  I’d love to know.  There’s nothing like a good sit down with your doc… except for the moment when she slides the BMI index across her desk and starts highlighting shit.  I’ve tried to keep it together pretty well this last week… etc.  I’ve been doing amazingly well.  Despite being paranoid that someone is mad at me allll the time (more on that neurosis later), I’ve been at the top of my game.  Willing to accept that my  marriage isn’t what I thought it would be, what I dreamed it would be… but that it is what it is.  I have to exist in it as it is, for now anyway.  There are lots of reasons I “have to” and they’re pretty obvious.  Financially it would be impossible to “create a new life” for myself.  And even if I could… I’m still not convinced I’d be better off in that imaginary life.  Of course now it seems simpler and less of a struggle.  I could just feel whatever I feel and not have to explain every intricate detail of why I feel that way when I feel that way.  I wouldn’t have to present mini-dissertations on every thought I have and where it came from.  I could just exist.  Happily.  I wouldn’t be told by someone who claims he loves me that I’m getting too comfortable in the job that I love.  I wouldn’t be told by my husband, while explaining the previous statement, that he “just meant” that “I’d rather tell people that my wife is a lawyer, or a psychiatrist.”  Sometimes I’m amazed at the shit I swallow.  It makes me angry and frustrated… and those words are miniature compared to how I really feel.  I digress.

The BMI Index.  I’d just love to meet the bastard who came up with those numbers.  I won’t go into the details of where I fall – but I can tell you that my “ideal weight” will never be reached.  And saying to me, “Now I know it seems like an impossible goal… BUT…”  isn’t comforting.  I know you’re a doctor and you’re supposed to tell me to watch my weight – but pointing out just where I fall on the ole’ index and reminding me, verbatim, that I’m in the “overweight” category is taking to a little too far, don’tchya think?  Plus, I just got done telling you that there is literally no time, and literally no money for a gym membership and radical health diet – so excuse me if I ask for a B-R-E-A-K break.  I’d be happy if I lost about 15 pounds – and most people I know feel the same way.  But this chic wants me to lose 35 pounds so I can look like I did in high school.  Nice as that would be – it’s actually not humanly possible for me right now b/c I don’t SLEEP at a gym.  And I happen to have the kind of metabolism and body structure that will gain weight if I am not CONSTANTLY exercising and eating lettuce.  Screw that – who does that?  Not me.  And not anyone I know.

So I have to thank the BMI for this most recent mental disturbance… because it has brought pretty much every insecurity that I have been having over the last year, right to the surface!  I just went in for a yearly pap – and I came out with a nervous breakdown.  Who knew the lady doc had so much power.  First, she asked me why I wasn’t on birth control.  “Because… (hahaha??) my husband and I pretty much don’t have sex anymore.”  Yeah… okay so you’re sorry to hear that.  Thanks?  “Is it because of your libido?  Or because of everything you’ve told me about how things are going…??”  Can’t you answer that yourself?  So, the thing is I really do like this doctor who was asking me all these questions.  And I was great at my answers… stating the obvious at times and other times sincerely stating things like, “Well, I’ve just come so far emotionally over the last few years and my husband doesn’t seem to be as comfortable as I am with the newer, stronger me.”  Ha!  It’s true… right?  I’m newer, and stronger.  I have worked amazingly hard to get to where I am today.  And where am I?  Sitting across from my lady doc coming apart just a little bit with every question she asks.  Yes, there are some major life changes that have contributed to the difficulties that my husband and I have had.  Yes, it’s a libido issue – I don’t want to have sex.  Ever.  And yes, I guess those lubricants can help… on the rare occasion that I do feel sorry enough for my husband to give into him.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy it once it’s started… but the desire and the interest to get it started is non-existent.

He thinks I don’t love him anymore.   So sometimes I wonder if I do.  Sometimes I ask myself, what the hell there is to love.  I don’t feel emotionally supported.  I don’t feel strengthened… nurtured… admired.  I don’t feel anything I think I’m supposed to feel in a marriage.  I just feel trapped – in many ways, for many reasons.  I trapped myself – emotionally – years ago.  And I’m just trying to think myself into acceptance and lower expectations.  It’s not really working.  He says I can’t let anything go.  But how do I let it go when it’s in my face all the time?  He ALWAYS wants to have sex.  “Doesn’t it make you feel good that I want you all the time?”  My response?  “You are a man.  Seriously?  I breathe… that pretty much is all you need to be horny.”  He thinks that’s harsh – and maybe it is.  But he’s not exactly interested in doing what I’ve asked him to do to help me be more interested.  I know that men connect physically rather than emotionally – or so the story goes.  I don’t entirely buy it.  Women connect physically as well – but not without some freakin’ effort.  I’m always supposed to meet him halfway – have sex with him.  But he never has to meet me halfway – take me on a date every blue moon – dress up!!!  Tell me to dress up!  Surprise me!  Get me a card for no reason.  Tell me I’m beautiful!  Ask me for advice!  Aren’t these normal things that couples do?

No wonder I have such good “other man” dreams.  I’m pretty much as low as I get now – tears are stock piled and I can’t breathe out of my nose.  It’s okay.  I’m used to his place.  I feel somewhat comfortable here – and I’m okay with letting myself cry it out.  It’s necessary.  Especially when the hope for change is nearly nonexistent.  He’ll never change.  He’s firm in who he is and he’s always been that way.  It’s me that’s changed.  I don’t want what he has to offer anymore and he isn’t willing to give me what I need.  It just doesn’t add up anymore.  But here we are existing and trying to make the best of it.  I wonder how long and how much harder we will try.  I wonder if it’s the effort that matters, and not the end result.  Of course there’s no such thing as a happy marriage — err…. a perfect marriage.  I just want some basic needs met.  That’s all.  Just for him to say the right thing at least some of the time.   And when he doesn’t?  I just want him to be able to say, “I said the wrong thing.  I’m sorry.”  Show some vulnerability for god’s sake.

I think it’s time for bed.  Man, I could use a good escape dream tonight!  Summoning the other man dreams lol.  🙂