Tag Archives: fantasy

Epiphany

“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.”  – Neil Gaiman

It’s no secret why this struck me.  I’m fairly passionate about education and in particular the list of things that we aren’t taught.  This quote stayed with me through the night last night.  I also thought about it on the way to work this morning while listening to my Adele cd, given to me by my husband.  I thought of my imaginary life… the one that I’d have lived if my college sweetheart had chosen me.  I thought of the post he wrote on his most recent anniversary to his wife.  “These have been the best years of my life.”

I don’t think I feel any differently.  The years I’ve spent with my husband have been the best years of my life.  I think it is possible to say such a thing, and still imagine better years.  I thought at this point in my life things would be more defined.  Thanks to my friend Walt Disney, I really believed that love and marriage and even friendship was pretty cut and dry.  You care, you love, you marry, you’re happy.  Life isn’t that simple.  I’d like to start this new year off with a mission to accept the grey areas in my life.  I think it may help my marriage.  I want to be okay with wondering how my life would’ve been “if only” because the more life I live, the more I realize that nothing is as it seems.  Nothing.

I have thus decided that this grey sea I swim in is not all that bad, and certainly not abnormal.  I think I’ll start embracing the unknown parts of myself with this new understanding.  Am I head over heals in love with my life and happy and 100% sure about every area of my life?  Is anyone?  I think my latest “key to life” revelation is that life is a series of in-between moments and it’s up to us to make the best of them.

Happy New Year!

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Greener Grass

Today, yesterday, tomorrow.  RENT.  “No DAY but today.”  I try to live my marriage life with this sentiment.  I love my husband on many levels.  I am committed to him, that’s for sure.  But I wonder, several times a day, if there is such a thing as a soul mate.  I used to believe there was.  It was easy, once upon a time, for me to believe that there was reason in every little event in my life. One catastrophe led to another epiphany and so on… and in many ways I do live my life like that.   But in the truth, which is burrowed ever so quietly inside of my busy mind – the epiphany I sometimes feel I don’t have the strength to tend to is that I made a mistake.

As hard as I try I can’t bring the fire back.  There are moments of passion, but I even wonder if they are real sometimes.  I wonder if this is what marriage is like for everyone… the ebbs and flows…if they are unmistakably this frequent and confusing.  Or if I’m missing out.  If there is a true and single connection to be made out there while I sit and make the best of my choices here at home.  I am aware that the grass really is always greener… I am sure that my fantasies would disappoint me if they really surfaced.  The funny thing is that my fantasies are more about closure than excitement!  Hmmm…. question for the therapist I’m currently not seeing anymore!

Maybe it’s the loss of my innocence… the refusal to believe that life, and marriage, are just difficult – no matter what.  What I wouldn’t do to step back into my teen years… for just one night.  To feel that wonder again!  To go on my first “real” date all over again – to let go of all the rules I had for myself as a young and way too good girl.  🙂  To re-live my college romance and grant myself that one wishful memory.  I can’t go back and make different decisions.  That’s for sure.  But I want to.

I am thankful for the memories and the dreams that keep me dreaming.  I have to be, they keep it interesting.  🙂