Seriously. I have no idea when I’ll regain sanity… maybe never. I’m pretty convinced after this week that I must be the only person on earth who is truly stuck in a loveless, seemingly pointless marriage. I thought things had gotten better…. hence the reason I haven’t exactly been loyal to my bipolar marriage web blog.
Well. As usual, we are slowly creeping back to normal again… fights about nothing that turn into something that turn into something bigger that leave me calculating just how much money I should be saving every paycheck… and if the $5 a week that I could afford to save means that I may as well just suck it up anyway b/c I’ll be at least 50 by the time I actually can afford to truly, truly regain sanity and find my TRUE soulmate that I’m convinced is somewhere out there secretly writing love songs (for me only) and distributing them among my favorite artists and having radio stations/Pandora play them only when I am already an emotional marshmallow!!!
I digress. Or should I? I really wish that I could ask people on facebook who write sentimental messages to their significant others what it’s “really” like for them when they aren’t broadcasting their bliss? It can’t possibly be that the past lovers – or almost so – in my life are not actually pining away for me just like I do for them when I’m convinced my husband is the world’s largest and most clueless ass on the planet.
My bubble burst a bit today as I read the post of an almost lover that talked about the years he has spent with his wife as “the best of his life.” Is it wrong that I’m not happy for him? Haha, of COURSE I’m happy for him. And, I’m sure, that every once in a good while, he does think of me when he hears that one Adele song… and he remembers what it felt like to ALMOST embrace me and to ALMOST make mad passionate love to me…
Right? Sigh…. See what I mean? Not sure when I’ll regain sanity. I asked my neighbor last night if this is actually how marriage “is.” She gave the best answer anyone’s ever given me on the topic… that, of course, it is. And that sometimes she stops and looks around and asks herself, “Am I on planet Earth?” Made me laugh… and if she hadn’t been there it probably would’ve made me cry too!
She also said something (well many things, I love my wise neighbor!) that I think may be the key to at least regaining a LITTLE sanity to make it to the next Anniversary anyway (which is less than 2 weeks away). Wisdom passed on to her is this re: what a man really needs:
We, as women, need an entire afternoon of affection and attention to feel loved and affectionate in return. Men only need about 3 minutes… generally right after they’ve “agreed” to “hold” you – which almost always means that you are “agreeing” to “hold” (their penis) back. So, perhaps if I can try (and it will take effort) to sacrifice these 3 minutes…a… little more often… I’ll be a happier wife?
Funny/sad/horrifying thing is that it makes me LOL to think that I’d ever get a whole afternoon in return without having to beg for it. Blah. I’m sick of being sick of it!