Today, yesterday, tomorrow. RENT. “No DAY but today.” I try to live my marriage life with this sentiment. I love my husband on many levels. I am committed to him, that’s for sure. But I wonder, several times a day, if there is such a thing as a soul mate. I used to believe there was. It was easy, once upon a time, for me to believe that there was reason in every little event in my life. One catastrophe led to another epiphany and so on… and in many ways I do live my life like that. But in the truth, which is burrowed ever so quietly inside of my busy mind – the epiphany I sometimes feel I don’t have the strength to tend to is that I made a mistake.
As hard as I try I can’t bring the fire back. There are moments of passion, but I even wonder if they are real sometimes. I wonder if this is what marriage is like for everyone… the ebbs and flows…if they are unmistakably this frequent and confusing. Or if I’m missing out. If there is a true and single connection to be made out there while I sit and make the best of my choices here at home. I am aware that the grass really is always greener… I am sure that my fantasies would disappoint me if they really surfaced. The funny thing is that my fantasies are more about closure than excitement! Hmmm…. question for the therapist I’m currently not seeing anymore!
Maybe it’s the loss of my innocence… the refusal to believe that life, and marriage, are just difficult – no matter what. What I wouldn’t do to step back into my teen years… for just one night. To feel that wonder again! To go on my first “real” date all over again – to let go of all the rules I had for myself as a young and way too good girl. 🙂 To re-live my college romance and grant myself that one wishful memory. I can’t go back and make different decisions. That’s for sure. But I want to.
I am thankful for the memories and the dreams that keep me dreaming. I have to be, they keep it interesting. 🙂